Most of us have experienced distress or infidelity at some point in our lives. And we’ve all experienced how hard it is to trust again whoever wronged us.
Trust is not unrestricted and it’s something you either have or don’t have: there’s no in-between. It grows out of months and years of shared relationships and experiences.
We are at our most vulnerable when we’ve been through divorce or a break up after a decade with someone we dreamt a happy ever after life and our urge is to run away from pain.
What are our deepest fears?
“How can I trust anyone again?” is a question I get asked a lot in my coaching.
There is no magic pill to suddenly allow you to trust again. The only way to trust again is to grab hold of our fear and work through it.
It’s naturally to feel fear. The fear of rejection, fear of the unfamiliar, fear of being taken advantage of, fear of losing ourselves. The idea that we’re shielding ourselves from pain to run our lives or we can put our courage on and decide that whatever happens we’ll handle.
The problem that our ego doesn’t like the fact that we were disgraced, abandoned, deceived, made a fool of or rejected. This doesn’t make us who we are, it needn’t affect our identity.
Take baby steps day by day to become more open and trusting. Start with trusting in the little things.
Think of your pain and fear as a cut on your foot. The more you pick at it and scratch it the longer it will take to heal. If you can leave it alone and let it heal naturally it will barely scar.
I find many people tell me, I avoid being hurt by staying away from relationships, romance or otherwise. But is that a price worth paying?
I believe We learn to trust again by trusting again. Trust is something that is worked on daily. We connect, we talk about what hurt us , we all have good and bad days.
Here are some tips you can follow to help you choose to trust again after a painful experience.
- Embrace Vulnerability
Vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths.
As humans, If we don’t put ourselves out there and take risks, we end up missing out on so much.
- Learn To Trust Yourself
For you to be able to ever trust again, you must first trust yourself. Trust in your decision and capability to make good choices.
Just because someone you loved betrayed you, it does not mean you have made a mistake by letting them into your life.
- Choose To Forgive
Forgiveness is important. You may not necessarily choose to forgive the person that hurt you, but at least forgive yourself.
It is natural to blame ourselves for allowing someone to hurt us. Remember that you were brave to open yourself up to being vulnerable in the first place. You are not to blame for someone else’s actions. Forgive yourself.
- Allow Time To Grieve
Yes, being hurt by someone does require you to go through the entire grieving process.
Grieving includes: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.
Don’t fight any of these stages as they are natural and important.
- Don’t Continue To Feel The Victim
Putting yourself in the shoes of a victim, won’t help you get over the pain.
Don’t allow yourself to stumble in the sting of being deceived. You will only suffocate your ability to heal by blaming everyone else.
Make an effort to overcome it. Yes, you can overcome it. You have more control than you think. Give yourself some praise. There are no victims.
- Keep your Expectations High
Doesn’t mean if you were hurt by someone you cherished, that you should lower your expectations. In fact, you should raise the bar!
- Leave The Past Behind You
Realise that your past is different than your future. One person’s bad behaviour is not a reflection of all humankind.
- Tell Your Story
Lastly and very important point that one day when you do find that right person, and you feel prepared to trust them, make sure you communicate about your past experience and your fear of future heartbreak.
Not only is it healthy to communicate honestly in the beginning of a new relationship, but you may also find that the new person has a similar story and fears.